None Left to Give

When I was out with my friend the other night, I mentioned Barb’s and my blog So… Your Friend is an Asshole. I said the writing wasn’t very gratifying because I still felt very censored.

See, there are a lot of things I feel like I can’t or shouldn’t say. For no other reason than that people may judge me.
Who is going to see it?
What will they think?
What will they say?

Can I handle unsolicited opinions and advice?
Am I too old and tired to explain it all when someone asks me?

Yesterday, I blogged about the Crone Sisterhood Circle I attended. We all talked about what cronehood meant to us. One of the ladies said something that really made an impact on me. “Crones are all out of fucks to give.”

Boy, isn’t that the truth? Because, guess what? I just realized that I ain’t got none (shitty grammar is for artistic purposes and should not be used to condemn me as a moron).

So let me tell you a thing or two.

This past year, I have been trying to process the ending of my relationship. I have tried to be the person everyone thinks I “should” be, but that just isn’t working for me. I’m sick and tired of feeling like “so and so won’t like me anymore if I don’t get over this quickly.” or “this person will think I’m weak if I cry after all this time.” “Being sad will make people feel like you’re ungrateful for the things they’ve done for you.”

Well, fuck it. I guess that’s their damage and not mine if things go down that way.

I’m pretty well past the “person” involved in the breakup, meaning, my ex. Growth, evolution, and change were not going to happen with me being there. I can’t spend the rest of my life bemoaning that.

So what’s going on now?

I’m lonely.

I miss being close.
I miss my head on a shoulder.
I miss kissing.
I miss laughing and those private jokes no one else will ever understand.
I miss making meals just for two or for the whole family when we were all together.
I miss music nights.
I miss surprise flowers.
I miss not having to drive.
I miss holding hands.
I miss being able to trust.
I miss human warmth.
I miss giving.
I miss singing stupid songs in the car about the dog we just drove past.
I miss the cows talking back to me.

So, there it is. What I have yet to process and get past, and here’s me talking about it because, I’m an old lady now, and I don’t care what anyone thinks about any of this.

Have a good Sunday night.