None Left to Give

When I was out with my friend the other night, I mentioned Barb’s and my blog So… Your Friend is an Asshole. I said the writing wasn’t very gratifying because I still felt very censored.

See, there are a lot of things I feel like I can’t or shouldn’t say. For no other reason than that people may judge me.
Who is going to see it?
What will they think?
What will they say?

Can I handle unsolicited opinions and advice?
Am I too old and tired to explain it all when someone asks me?

Yesterday, I blogged about the Crone Sisterhood Circle I attended. We all talked about what cronehood meant to us. One of the ladies said something that really made an impact on me. “Crones are all out of fucks to give.”

Boy, isn’t that the truth? Because, guess what? I just realized that I ain’t got none (shitty grammar is for artistic purposes and should not be used to condemn me as a moron).

So let me tell you a thing or two.

This past year, I have been trying to process the ending of my relationship. I have tried to be the person everyone thinks I “should” be, but that just isn’t working for me. I’m sick and tired of feeling like “so and so won’t like me anymore if I don’t get over this quickly.” or “this person will think I’m weak if I cry after all this time.” “Being sad will make people feel like you’re ungrateful for the things they’ve done for you.”

Well, fuck it. I guess that’s their damage and not mine if things go down that way.

I’m pretty well past the “person” involved in the breakup, meaning, my ex. Growth, evolution, and change were not going to happen with me being there. I can’t spend the rest of my life bemoaning that.

So what’s going on now?

I’m lonely.

I miss being close.
I miss my head on a shoulder.
I miss kissing.
I miss laughing and those private jokes no one else will ever understand.
I miss making meals just for two or for the whole family when we were all together.
I miss music nights.
I miss surprise flowers.
I miss not having to drive.
I miss holding hands.
I miss being able to trust.
I miss human warmth.
I miss giving.
I miss singing stupid songs in the car about the dog we just drove past.
I miss the cows talking back to me.

So, there it is. What I have yet to process and get past, and here’s me talking about it because, I’m an old lady now, and I don’t care what anyone thinks about any of this.

Have a good Sunday night.

Season of the Witch

This morning, I attended my first crone circle gathering. It was the most positive, uplifting thing I’ve experienced in a very, very long time. I can’t wait to go back.

The Crone is a symbol of inherent wisdom that comes from experience. She has lived through love, sorrow, hope, and fear, coming out of it all a wise and confident spirit. Through these experiences she has learned the secrets of life and death and of the mysteries beyond this world.

I’ve been looking forward to cronehood for a very long time. As I understand it, a lot of people fear this stage of life because it’s that proverbial “one step closer to death” thing. For me, this stage of life is about wisdom. As indicated above, the wisdom that comes from experience or the act of living.

In the past, crones were highly respected for their wisdom and knowledge. They had a prominent place in their families and communities. These days, they are hidden away with their infirmities and their wrinkles. How sad is it that all of this wisdom and all of those stories are going unheard?

As for me? I am thankful that I have lived long enough to see this stage of life. I am thankful that I am the kind of person who does learn, grow, and evolve in a way that builds the wisdom that comes from experience and living. So many do not. They either learn nothing, remain stagnant in their negative feelings, or become hardened and bitter with life. To me, that’s just sad.

I’ve been in such a rut here lately, but I know, and I have always known that I will get out of this pit. This too, shall pass. There are valuable lessons here, and I will make them mine. I will transmute them into the wisdom of the ages, and I will share all that I have with the younger generations. This, in my humble opinion, is what keeps mankind moving forward.

Ancient Crone,
You are the source of eternal knowledge
That leads to the completion of the spirit.
Let my soul seek your lessons,
And strive to understand your mysteries.
I will not fear the darkness
For I know you wait for me within it.

Ancient Crone,
Cleansing waters of wisdom,
I embrace you within myself,
And dance with you ‘round the well.
Let me be a seeker of knowledge,
And courageous in the face of darkness.
My heart sings your melody
And my spirit is forever whole.

Verses from part of the book of tridea by ps. grian debandia of circle of the green

Here is to the knowing.
Here is to the growing.
Here is to the vision.
Here is to the calling.

Best wishes!